Have you ever had a poop emergency? Have you ever needed to use the bathroom while on the road and there is no place to stop? My moment came on the return home from our vacation. This article is to highlight the not so glamorous life of travel. Certainly not for me anyways. As a person that suffers from IBS. I have to have an exit route on hand at all times.
Advisory: Some profanity will be used in these article as this is the best way to explain my experience.
It all happened the last full day on the road back home from Montana. We had only 10-12 hours to go and we just finished eating dinner. The next hotel and rest stops were 50 miles away. We settled into our seats and hubby started to drive. Looking back at this moment I can tell you. I should have asked to wait 20 minutes to see if my stomach was adjusting to the amount of food I shallowed.
As the last town becomes a blur in the background. My stomach started to rumble. My husband turned to me to make sure I was ok. I assured him I was fine for now. About 20 miles into this adventure I started to sweat. I had beads of sweat forming on my forehead and my armpits were soaked. My hands became clamy and my spit became thick.
It hit me like a pound of bricks. I knew oh SHIT!!! I am about to have a shitty situation. The vein in the middle of my forehead was evident as I can feel it pulsate. My only words I could say was, “pull over”.
No Rest Stops Ahead
I continued to sweat and kill over in utter abdominal pain. This was intense. It isn’t like I haven’t had these experiences before. However, this so happens to be in my car on a long stretch of highway in the middle of the night. With 20 miles to go if not more to the nearest hotel. This felt like forever. I was clinching the side handle of the passenger seat in agony.
I kept telling my husband to pull over and his response was “where”. There was no place to turn off of. I continued to rock back and forward and clinch my hinny as tight as possible. Praying to the heavens for me not to have an accident on myself.
Out to Pasture
Minutes go by and my husband was able to pull off along this gravel road with a cow grate and fence line. The only people that should enter were farmers. But desperate times calls for desperate measures. Before the car came to a complete stop I was already out the door.
All I could think was, “please don’t let no one pass by, please don’t let a cop come through”. As I began unbuckling my pants the laughter from the car caused me to move further into the bushes or should I say long tall weeds. The further away I got the more I could hear the cows, crickets, and other wildlife.
As I surveyed the area and making sure no snake was going to jump out and bite my ass. I slowly bent down. The noise around me got louder and louder. As if mother nature was telling me what the hell are you doing. Or maybe she was telling me I was becoming one with nature. Not quite sure. There was no turning back.
Hell was released from the pit of my stomach. It was Dante’s Inferno and the only way to stop it was completing. I know I know. This is a lot of information. But, look. It has to be told and I know I am not the only one to have this experience. Am I????
Walk of Shame
I never leave home without toilet paper in my car. This right here is the reason. As I finished my business in the most unnatural yet natural way. I had to make that trek back to my car. Where I would have to face my husband and three daughters laughing at me. It was a long slow walk back. All I was doing was coming up with things to say to deviate the situation. I came up with nothing as I walked out of one hell and to walk into another.
I did what I had to do and swallowed my pride. My chest poked out as if I complete the Olympics where I won the gold medal on the amount of fecal matter that can possibly come out one small human being in such a short amount of time.
10 More Miles
Feeling of pure relaxation and comfort. I noticed not that far from where I left half my weight. We saw a road sign stating hotel next 12 miles away. All I could think about is how I could have held it. That 10 more miles and I could have spared some Earth and my dignity. The next 10 miles I could have spared the nose of these precious cows.
I could have waited to sit on the porcelain throne and handled my business in peace. No, my stomach had other plans. My body has no self-control. I can say that this ending to a fantastic trip didn’t ruin anything. It made me realize when nature calls……Answer it…. It also taught me to be careful of what I decide to eat. As my body will pay me back for it.
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